Blind dates from hell. Admit it, you've had one. In the upcoming Barkley book there is a story of my personal shortest blind date, which fortunately, I can laugh at now.Tonight, I think I want to laugh again, if only to myself.
So for you, some Home on the Range Classic Dating Disclaimers. Feel Free to add your own.
There are good dates and bad ones. The good ones hold in close and smile. But the bad ones? The statute of limitations has run out on some of those.
Dates from Hell. We've all had one, or will. My worst was a fellow that came over for a fancy dinner I cooked, then proceeded to pull out a little hand held video game and play it for an hour, totally ignoring me on the couch next to him. I finally said "uh, what are you doing? and he said "I'm getting so and so to the next level!"
He did NOT get to the next level.
When I was just a pup, one of the mechanics that worked on the airplanes I trained in, asked out a lady that was on the city council. She was attractive, liberal and well dressed. He liked the attractive part enough to ignore that they might not have a lot in common. They went to dinner, and did not have anything in common, so he just told her he enjoyed meeting her and they could remain friends but there wouldn't be a second date. She seemed to take that well and thanked him for the friendship.
That night he started getting phone calls from different people with different voices, but not QUITE different, telling him what a jerk he was and how wonderful this lady was and he should see her again. It turns out his date had multiple personalities and all of them started to stalk him. He said the one named "Oscar" creeped him out the most. He ended up moving and changing his phone number. She was probably elected to Congress.
But still, we open ourselves up there in the dating world, which can be a wonderful adventure, or simply that giant rock rolling down the hill at you.
Love can make us do things we normally wouldn't consider. It can lead to a buddy asking a vegan to go turkey hunting, only to have the girl jump up at the first sight of a trio of young jakes yelling "Run Mr. Turkey, Run for your Life!" It made one young lady from a friends workplace, flushed with happy anticipation of her first night with her long time crush, spend $100 for a top of the line push up bra and matching panties. Love made her glad she did, disappointment made her set her new lingerie on fire. In his office. During a meeting with his biggest client.
Chasing it was more fun than catching it.But we still get out there, we get our hearts ripped out, stomped on and set on fire and eventually we put on our brave faces and get back to living, and if we're lucky, find someone special we can laugh with.
So, for those of you new to the dating scene, stuck in it or getting back into it, here is some HOTR Dating Disclaimers.
Disclaimer: Dating is for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. All models over 18 years of age. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. No other warranty expressed or implied. No dogs or horses. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice.
Terms subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. Do not attempt to put in pants. Don't try in your living room, these are trained professionals.. Use only as directed Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement
May contain nuts.
One size fits all. Edited for television. Keep cool, process promptly. Return to sender. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Add toner. Your canceled check is your receipt. Sanitized for your protection. Sign here without admitting guilt. Limited time offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Not actual size.
You must be present to win.
You must be this tall to ride the ride.
Safety goggles may be required during use.
Use only in a well-ventilated are. Keep away from fire or flames. Replace with same type. Not liable for damages arising from use or misuse. No substitutions allowed. For a limited time only. Action figures sold separately. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal
Slightly higher west of the Rockies. Slippery when wet.
Do Not Taunt Happy Fun Ball!Disclaimer does not cover misuse, accident, lightning, flood, tornado, pestilence or projectile (including but not limited to bullets, arrows, BB's, lasers, sharks with frikin lasers, shrapnel, torpedoes rock/paper/scissors, and Alpha, Beta or Gamma rays), neglect, incorrect line voltage, customer adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to vehicular accident or snake bite. Detonation of nuclear weapons will void this policy. Other restrictions may apply.
Lastly, for those of us who are no longer youngsters.
Contents may have settled.
