"The probie came up with a fistful of wires and a confused look. We explained how the disconnected wires were essential to the inductive resonance that fed the capacitance loop which powered the daisy chained transistor matrix that..."
Yes, we have fun with probies. We were once one of them ourselves. Trial by fire.
He replied: "That's OK, I once deconstructed the physics of the stunts in Mask of Zorro. Apparently, Banderas is Spanish for Non Newtonian"
Which then got us started on really bad movies. So for a lazy holiday weekend Sunday, here are a few of my favorite "not so favorite" movies.
You've seen them, worse, you or your family members may have PAID to see them.
Slugs (1988) - Quick men! Get the giant saltshaker!
Vampire Hookers (1978) - I just want to know how the one female vampire had tan lines.
Gingerdead Man (2005) - Gary Busey is a possessed cookie. I say again. Gary Busey is a possessed cookie.
Sex in the City Two - There is not enough white wine in the world to watch this movie.
Robot Monster (1953) - Put a man in a gorilla suit. Put a diving helmet on his head. Watch audiences either lose interest or completely doze off. It was so boring MST3K never took a shot at riffing it that I know of.
I fell asleep on the grey dog bed right after the Robot Monster attacked.
Aeon Flux (2005) - This was just like the cartoon that was occasionally on MTV. Except it's not a cartoon and all the cartoon action was replaced with substandard martial arts work, and instead of the original dark and gritty feel it's futuristic. Like Sears was in the 70's. And not in a good way. But there IS action -watch the characters posture and argue while checking out each other's clothes.
The Neverending Story - Thank you God. It Ended.
Laserblast (1978) - Boy goes on rampage with a cereal box prize. The Submariners of the US Navy had elaborate methods to keep this movie off the boat where they would be stuck with it for 90 days. Why? It's not just bad, it's Cthula Rising From the Sea bad.
American Hustle - as exciting as reading the US Tax Code
Jurrasic Park III- Watch it backwards. The dinosaurs throw up people until the pesky airplane goes away.
Battlefield Earth (2000) - I've seen a lot of absolutely gruesome injuries in my time but I never contemplated a shrimp fork as a device in which one could gouge out their eyes, until I saw this movie.
Saw - Would have been better with Bob Saget and the Full House Twins
Green Lantern (2011) - Nothing says awesome super power like "lantern".
Independence Day (1996) - Sure, the single, reciprocating engine agricultural pilots can immediately strap on a fighter plane and save the world as surely as Jeff Goldblum can instantly cook up a little string of alien-compatible code that when delivered is going to end with the Alien Mothership switching to Wordpress and fleeing to outer space.
IT support Desk, my name is Floyd
Aliens: I'm having a problem with my Smell-brand mothership and need a bit of help here.
IT support desk - Have you tried restarting your mothership.
Look, not even Borepatch can magically write code that's compatible with an alien IT system. That gulf is a little bigger than Mac vs. PC.
Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen (2009)- The dog humping scene is both a discredit to dogs AND humping.
Frankenstein Island (1981) - They called them "Amazon women" because that's where they were ordering their identical leopard skin bikinis, "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" shampoo, makeup and rubber skulls from.
Armageddon (1998)- Shop Class saves the world! Resolute on violating every law of dramatic unity and physics, Armageddon makes The Core look like a documentary.
Twilight (2008) - I'm an Immortal, handsome, powerful and hundreds of years old. I'm going to enroll in high school in a small town forever!
Planet of the Dinosaurs (1977) - Members of what I think were the Charlie Daniels Band, crash lands on a planet where they become tasty snacks for the natives.
Signs - actually the movie wasn't that bad but the science was, specifically the moment when the heroes discovered the invading aliens weakness after they'd already shown up at the door. Water.
Imagine you're in that little alien landing party
Captain: Ensign Ricky do you have the readouts.
Ensign Ricky: Yes Captain: 71% of the planet is covered in a substance that will kill our species. As well there is 2 million cubic miles of that same substance stored within a half mile of the earths surface, which is inhabited by animals and fauna also composed of the same substance. Oh, and there's 3,100 cubic miles of that substance in vapor form in the atmosphere at any time, waiting to rain down upon us. I'm thinking we should turn a. . .
Captain:(turning to the landing party with upraised arm (tentacle, whatever) in full battle cry: LERRROOOYYY JENNNKKKIIINNSSS!"
Leprechaun - In the Hood (2000)- L.A. based leprechauns, clover filled joints and a magic flute (NOT a euphemism) My Irish eyes were not smiling but my Irish fingers went straight for OFF on the remote.
The Giant Claw (1957) - Cold War Jet Pilots and obnoxious teenyboppers are menaced by a mutated Gonzo from the Muppet Show.
Starfighters (1964)- The Director was apparently obsessed with aerial refueling, the movie composed of scene after scene of giant hoses being inserted into airplanes. You will run out of politically incorrect jokes before they're out of fuel.
and lastly - Night of the Lepus (1972) - Quick! Release the 200 foot Elmer Fudd! Through the special effects of really bad editing , weird camera angles and tiny little houses and trains from the hobby store, little domestic bunnies appears as giants galloping across your house and eating Aunt Daisy (actually for the attack they use a man in a rabbit suit). Deforrest Kelleys mustache was the scariest thing in this flick. Be vewwwy vewwy quiet.
Travel safe after your weekend everyone, I'm going to get up at o'dark 30 to make the four hour drive in, instead of going tonight. The Giant Claw didn't scare me, but driving that stretch of freeway through Gary after dark does.
Brigid
