Why do I care a firearm for self defense?
Because bad guys rarely shoot themselves.
Because rapists consider a whistle as foreplay.
Because I can't throw a pit bull at 1200 feet per second.
Because my Acme Dehydrated Boulders are in my other bag.
Because a cop that isn't in my purse is at least 10 minutes away.
Because lightning never hits the bad guy at the opportune time.
Because Steven Seagal isn't here to hide behind (literally and figuratively).
Because the only belt I earned in martial arts is the one that kept my shirt on.
Because throwing a jar of angry bees just pisses off the average armed burglar.
Because a running chainsaw is just hard to get through the aisle at Kwik E Mart late at night.
Because to run away, I need a sports bra that makes me look like I'm expecting an assassination attempt.
Because with a Smith and Wesson, it doesn't matter that I have the upper body strength of Justin Bieber.
Because if you think an underwire bra is uncomfortable, try a couple of Ninja Stars in your shirt pocket.
Because when I say (deadpan) "Stop, or I'll kick your butt" it doesn't sound as scary as when Chuck Norris says it.
Because tying angry Grizzlies to the front, side and rear of my car might stop the average carjacker, but it's a bitch to parallel park.
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Because as a law abiding citizen, the United States Constitution affirms that right, and my city and state support it.
Because the world is not the one I grew up in.
- Brigid
